I Can Cry if I Want To

Now that I am a mom, I find myself extremely emotional when it comes to news reports about kids. And by emotional I mean sobbing uncontrollably as I look at pictures of the Oklahoma tornado aftermath. You can only imagine how I was when I heard about Sandy Hook Elementary. (Let's just say, I had to pull over during rush hour traffic because I thought I was going to puke.)

I have always been an emotional person, especially when I feel like I did something wrong. One sour word or unkind look from someone and I was done. The tears would form, the panic would set in. What did I do? What can I do to make it better? Why are they mad at me?

I was, for lack of a better term, thin-skinned.

Nowadays there is a lot less drama in my life (thank God). This allows me to focus on other things. And the things that make me cry now are usually news reports about children. Kids being killed, molested, kidnapped. I can't handle it. I cry.

As my mother likes to say, a shrink would probably blame my emotional instability on my parents because they "blame everything on the parents". In this case, I think it is true.

I grew up in a very non-affectionate, non-emotional household. I have never seen my parents cry. Ever. In 38 years, I have never seen a tear from either one. Not when their parents passed away, not when my cousin was almost killed in a car accident, not when my brother was shipped off to Iraq three times, not when my kids were born. Never. Needless to say, the words "I love you" were not common in our home. My parents will say "love you" to my kids (only because my kids say it first)...and when they do, part of me recoils in awkwardness. It is so odd to hear those words come out of their mouths. Now, as a mom, I want to make sure I don't do the same thing. I tell my kids I love them every day. I will even stop what we are doing and make them look at me so I can say, "Hey. Guess what? I love you."

My daughter is a tough nut. She does not show her feelings. Try getting a hug or a kiss out of her. Impossible. She will fall down and then stand up with blood on her knees - no tears. I can yell at her until I am blue in the face...no tears. My son, on the other hand, will come up to me while he is playing Power Rangers and kiss me for no reason. If I look at him disapprovingly, he falls apart. I hear that is a girl/boy thing, especially with their mamas. But I am hoping I can get Sissy to show a little more emotion than just her PMS-like anger. I do not want her to be as cold as her grandparents.

Hubby and I got pregnant unexpectedly after a month of dating. Oops. But it happens. Seven years later we are still together and have built a happy little family. When my parents found out that I was going to have their first grandchild, they cut me off for 6 months. No phone calls, no emails, no contact at all. I was essentially disowned for 6 months. It made me angry. And much more thick-skinned. And determined to never be like that with my own children. I can understand being shocked, being upset, being disappointed. However, to walk out of your daughter's life during a time like that is unacceptable. They almost missed out on seeing their granddaughter grow up. Even after all was said and done, we have never discussed what happened. That would involve emotions.

Those 6 months changed me forever. No longer did I feel obligated to make sure I never disappointed anyone, especially my parents. I choose who to show my emotions to...my kids. They've seen me cry. They've seen me laugh hysterically. They've seen me angry. True, I am tougher than I used to be (I would cry, on average, 4-5 times a week) but I am also not afraid to let my kids see tears stream down my face as I watch the news. And when they ask, I tell them why I am sad.

It is true that we learn a lot from our parents, including how not to act.